I am officially an addict now. No, I think I have been an addict for a while now. Somehow, this addiction soothes me and lets me be at peace with myself.
I often think that it is now time to stop using. But somewhere deep down I just don’t want to. The warmth that I have always craved is only attainable when I am high.
I love myself, you know. My life, my job, my family, and everything that happens around. It is not that I am walking on a self-destructive path, at least that is one thing that I do not want to happen. Hence, there is a lot that I want to change.
My schedule, the way I handle my work, my skill level in everything that I love to do need to be improved.
I simply just want to attain a better quality of life for myself.
At my core, I am this softhearted selfless person who likes to do things for people I like and cry while watching or reading something emotional. But I don’t have anymore fucks to give.
Somewhere I am afraid that I won’t ever have a person who would love me for who I am. Somewhere, I just don’t want that person.
It is a pity that writing becomes an incredibly tough task when you are out of the pit of agony and self-depreciation and have nothing to cry over.
Now, I don’t like writing about how broken my heart is and hence, writing poems and prose is now tough.
To write those I have to stimulate those feelings by bringing out certain memories from the past. But, now I see those memories differently. The POV and the perception have both changed, and so have I.
I think my addiction is a hurdle to changes I have been going through for a while. Somewhere, I must be of the opinion that at least some part of my old self should be preserved. But that thought is foolish in its entirety.
I am just not able to do things and I have become unwilling to learn too. Such a mess!
See the thing is, I am very impatient. I want instant gratification. Such a negative attitude, ikr. But I have been working hard to change it. The venture was quite successful for my personal life, but meh! I become too lazy to put extra effort and improve my professional one.
I don’t know why it is never taught that following processes to achieve goals is crucial. It serves as a framework of how to act and do things. And by simply adding/subtracting a few steps you can upgrade and optimize your skills.
It is after a year or so that I have picked up my pen and started writing just about myself, what I see, what I perceive, and what I feel. Maybe this will come out as a story of an addict in the end. Or it may come out as a story of a small-town boy who gets lost in the streets of a metro city loses everything dear and finds out what he truly wants.